I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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