I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
