and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Drake has all the answers
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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