I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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