thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
