you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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