I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
