he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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