you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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