I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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