i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Randomize