Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
