I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
