So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
