she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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