You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
