I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
