I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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