How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
