he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
