So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
