I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
