K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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