filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
