I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
