I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
