I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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