It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So squirting runs in the family.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
