thus making me awesome and them whores
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I got inside last night via doggy door
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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