Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
