Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
