I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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