I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It's blow job season.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
