I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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