marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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