I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
