Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
