I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
