Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
