Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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