u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
