Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
