Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
