I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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