Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
