We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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