ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
