in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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