I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
