Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
