Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
