I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
