Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
