I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
