I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
