I wish life had little blips of pornography
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
