it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
