When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
