areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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