I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
