found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize