I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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