Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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