So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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