take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
